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I guess that's why they had that divorce."Tom Deacon, Pleasance Dome9 "You can keep paying us and we'll keep waving from the balcony."Andrew Maxwell on the Royal Family, Assembly George Square10 "Watching porn on the internet is like witnessing a crime scene – I feel like I need to call the police."Alan Davies, EICC11 "I used to want to be star but now I just like hot darkness."Anti-comedian Eddie Pepitone, Just the Tonic at The Tron12 "The finest Rioja comes from Fife.
Meanwhile Spain is on fire."Phill Jupitus on a climate-changed world in 2052, The Stand13 "Just had a near death experience.
I said: 'I assure you, it does exist." Diane Spencer, Gilded Balloon33 "Google is like religion – you choose the answer that is right for you." Trevor Noah, Pleasance Courtyard34 "There are so many drugs in my system that I could be on the Chinese Olympic swimming team." Andrew Lawrence, Pleasance Courtyard35"I went to the hospital with my psoriasis.
They gave me a DVD of The Singing Detective and said 'Good luck with your life.'" Sean Hughes, Gilded Balloon36"Princess Kate is a PILF, if you will. I suspect you can get hanged for that." Mark Watson on the regal version of MILF, Assembly George Square37 "Glass half empty or glass half full, there's still exactly the same amount of water in each one." Will Cooper in Jerome Jack's Journey of Life, Just the Tonic at the Tron38"Like watching two football teams that never quite score." Alistair Barrie on weather watching. I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson, The Traverse40"If 50 Cent was shot nine times, why doesn't he sound like a flute? My sunburn looks like a 1950s propaganda poster of the spread of communism." Mark Nelson, Underbelly44"Sleep like a baby?
"Joe Lycett, Pleasance Courtyard2 "I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with Channel 4." Hayley Ellis, Pleasance Courtyard5 "I really fancy Ed Miliband. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months." Hayley Ellis, Pleasance Courtyard4 "Gok Wan has a programme telling us what to wear, now what to eat." Gordon Southern, Gilded Balloon61"Bethnal Green is half-Islamic and half-student, so basically everyone's walking around in their pyjamas all day long." David Mills, Alternative [email protected] Hive62"My sister just had a baby – she's called it Tiff, because it's a girl.If it was a boy if would have been Jpeg." Helen Arney, Underbelly63"Scotland announce the slogan for their ambitious Winter Olympics bid: GLASGOW 2022: WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER." Dog-Eared Collective, Underbelly64"I live in London, my kids live in Southampton. Sending them to their room is a real threat when it involves hitch-hiking down the M3." Luke Toulson, Underbelly65"I wouldn't recommend tai chi for self defence, unless you're getting mugged by a mime artist.Mainly because he looks like David Miliband reflected in a spoon." Gráinne Maguire, Udderbelly – Daisy6 "The Only Way Is Essex's popularity is mystifying . It's like a never ending hen night mixed with Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot."Gráinne Maguire, Udderbelly – Daisy7 "The best musical to go and see at the moment is Ghost.Apparently it's still starring Patrick Swayze." Tom Deacon, Pleasance Dome8 "My Dad's advice when I was younger about women was 'Treat 'em mean keep 'em keen'.So we'll just put it away." Will Franken in character, Just The Tonic, The Caves68"I got involved with an animal charity recently and adopted a whale and a monkey, which is all very well, but sooner or later, I'm gonna have to be the one who has to explain to them why they don't look like each other." Mark Restuccia, Gilded Balloon69 “I used to be in a very tidy rock band.OC/DC.” Rob Deering, Pleasance Courtyard70"As a short man, I'm annoyed by the stereotype that all short people are funny.These guys put themselves in the line of fire to protect us on a nightly basis.When they kiss their wives goodbye in the morning they don't know if they'll ever see their sisters again." Jarlath Regan, The Stand – Assembly Rooms17"I decided to lose weight as I have learned obesity is the leading cause of heart disease, stroke and your flirting at work being construed as harassment" Pete Johansson, Udderbelly – Pasture18 "The internet says pigeons can fly at 65mph. This is a myth created by crows." Tim Fitzhigham, Pleasance Courtyard19 "People who like trance music are very persistent. I don't have a licence." Felicity Ward, Udderbelly Pasture21"Elections are like police line-ups, only with elections you pick the person before they rob you and screw you.